[Journal] Sink or swim

It’s almost 5 am. I can’t sleep. It could be the dull ache in my bones or the way I’m too hot curled up against Manthing and too cold without it. It could be the allergy that claws at my nose or the thrum of early morning traffic from the highway that finds its way into the room. It’s most likely all of these and the myriad of thoughts that bounce around in my head.

It’s almost 5 am but I’ve spent tonight holding down the fort against an unprovoked attack of depression. I’ve spent the last four hours lying here as a sudden surge of adrenaline breathes butterflies into my stomach for no other reason than my brain trying to find reasons for me to be anxious. I’m thinking about today and yesterday and the day before that.

Thinking about how the people I call family and I have drifted apart. How I wonder whether I’ve said or done something offensive to my adopted father and his kin for them to not show up or even pass on a rsvp for my birthday party. How they never check in any more. I’m straining to not ask someone outright just to either get the hurt over and done with if I did screw up, or to at least lay these issues to rest. Part of me is a little afraid that I’ve become too much work for everyone with my sickness. The fact that I can’t get out anymore impacts on everyone, but most when they let it color their opinion of me.

Today I found out that my GP left the county over a month ago. She didn’t tell her patients. I’m terrified of the idea, and hurt, that my job is to now find a new doctor that doesn’t think Fibro and CFS are nonsense.  That I’m not just after more painkillers for a cheap high. That my pain levels are extreme. Most of all, that I do everything I can to try and fix myself and the menagerie of issues I have collected and that, god help me, if I could change it all, I would. I have a specialist appointment in 28 days. I need to get copies of records they won’t release and files that haven’t been explained. How do I explain to the specialist that he has nobody to refer a care plan to?

I’m anxious about the house situation – I don’t want to move. I don’t want to live somewhere else and live under the shadow of someone else’s decisions. I hate the fact that my needs are making it harder and harder to find a place and that my shortcomings are the reason we need to spend more money to hire removalists.  Last time we moved, I was so tired I ended up in hospital with heart palpitations.

I wish there was some way to just take a break from everything so I could get my life back on track. In a fortnight I get my surgical consult about possible breast cancer.

People keep telling me that sooner or later the bad streak will end. I’m not asking for it to stop entirely, just for it to hesitate long enough for me to get back on my feet so I can face the next wave, because swimming is getting real exhausting right now.

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