Positivity

Today is one of those days where I’ve been in constant pain for as many days as I can recall now. Moreso the last week as my body has decided to go full retard. I’ve averaged about two hour’s solid sleep a night, and the rest of the time is spent tossing and turning and desperately wishing the ow away. I’ve tried to avoid painkillers as best as I can and only take them when utterly necessary because my regular GP is busy as shit lately and the others I’ve had to see have been trying to cut back my codeine prescriptions. Because, you know, I’m not in agony or anything. It’s cool guys. I’ve totally got this.

On days like today, it’s incredibly hard for me to remain positive. I’m worn down like a blanket that’s been frayed at the edges. I’ve done everything I can for the pain and nothing has helped. Baths, bed, warmth, more clothing, pressure, exercise and movement, distractions, painkillers and even a cider has done nothing to give me any form of relief. I’m presently working through a University Pain Course which focuses on removing the ‘negative’ or unhelpful thoughts associated with your illnesses from your mind through hard work on your end. However, my problem isn’t that I’m dealing with negative thoughts today. I’m depressed and I feel fucking miserable because I’m in PAIN. Not because I’m worried I’m going to keel over and die. Not because I’m worried manthing is going to leave me. Not because I’m a negative Nancy or any other bullshit. I’m sore and I’m run down and I’m exhausted emotionally, physically and mentally and there’s fuck all I can do. You know how I know this? Because I’ve already tried everything I’m either physically capable of or know how to do to fix my problem.

I feel physically ill from the lack of sleep. I can’t finish my dinner. I can barely stay awake. I can’t sleep. Games aren’t keeping my attention. I’m too upset to talk to people. I just want to cry, but it hurts to do so anyway. I want to get angry to try and break this mood, but my head is pounding just thinking of it. I’m sweating profusely because of the pain, yet my feet are freezing under two layers of socks and track pants and are making my legs ache.

Tonight is a bad night. Tonight is what they never tell you when they explain what you’ll face with FIbro and CFS.

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