Today is one of those days where I just want to crawl back into bed and cry my little pink frilly heart out.
It’s been a long week. There are bushfires all over the state. We’ve been declared to be in a state of emergency. I’ve watched friends and family alike face the fires and come so close to losing their homes and I can’t do a god damn thing to help.
I’m having major withdrawals from my antidepressant medication so they can switch me over to something else that ‘might’ help my chronic pain, and I still have 4 more days of going without anything after having a really sharp two week drop. So right now, I feel like I’ve spent the last hour spinning on a tire swing, I can barely focus and I just want to bawl my eyes out thanks to random DERPression for no reason. If depression drove a car, I’d take a dump on it’s hood ornament.
First day alone in a fortnight since Manthing has gone back to work, so I don’t have anyone to talk to or hug until after working hours. I’m one of those people that works through problems by talking about them and hugs help a lot, so it’s difficult. I also don’t have any friends that are available right now. They’re either at work or they’re just busy with their own things.
Feeling rather crap about myself, about how my health is the reason my business is failing. I started a small business so I could still do something, still earn money and still contribute to society while dealing with my condition – I don’t want to be what they call a ‘dole bludger’ – but because of my as-of-yet-undiagnosed illness, I have days when I can’t even get out of bed and shower on my own. I feel very much like a complete failure because of this, and what’s worse is that there’s nothing I can do to change it. I’m already working my arse off to try and make a difference, but my body keeps failing me.
I’m sure things will be better tomorrow when this bullshit depression isn’t clouding my every thought, but right now it’s really god damn hard not to just throw the towel in and wallow in my own misery.